This week, I was told by two different healthcare professionals that irritability is a disease that can be cured with a gluten-free diet. The first person to offer up this astonishing statement was The Nutritionist, so naturally I dismissed it as a booster's over-enthusiasm. The second instance occurred when I was chatting with my phlebotomist (as one does), who showed me that 'irritability' has an official insurance code in her big fat blood-test book. Since my phlebotomist and I are the best of pals after ten months of quack-mandated exsanguination, I decided to take notice.
The claim required parsing. First of all, I wondered if irritability really could be classed as a disease. Nothing if not thorough, I checked with the Mayo Clinic, the American Medical Association, and WebMD. None of these esteemed sources agreed that irritability was an ailment in and of itself, but all were adamant that it was a symptom - and of some pretty alarming conditions, too. I convinced myself I had bubonic plague, rhabies, pinworms, and colic before being recalled to my senses by the whistling of the tea kettle. Attentive readers will have noticed I do all my best research whilst waiting for the kettle to boil - I find the anticipation of a good cup of tea concentrates the mind wonderfully.
Having thus decided that irritability is most definitely not a disease, I considered the second assumption - that irritability requires a cure. I am compelled to ask whether a cure is necessary if the patient enjoys her condition. I, for one, obtain no end of pleasure from peevishness and grumbling. Petulance is one of my favorite states of being: indeed, some would say it's my defining characteristic. To paraphrase the philosopher, 'Without choler, I am nothing.' If I am to be cured of my prickliness by a gluten-free diet, that is a good enough reason for me to start eating great slabs of sourdough bread again.
These musings were brought to the fore yesterday, as I watched the latest episode of Just Desserts. The unedifying spectacle of the pastry-cheftestants' bickering and feuding caused me to think that irritability (at least in others) doesn't seem like such a good thing after all. Is it possible that over-consumption of gluten (wedding cakes! peanut butter cookies! brownies! shortcakes!) has caused them all to blow their fuses? Whereas earlier in the series I was alarmed only selfishly by the show's over-abundance of gluten-containing desserts, I am now starting to worry about the contenders' health (Seth particularly, of course - but none of them seems immune from extreme irascibility at present). The Nutritionist said it would take six weeks of gluten-freedom before the magic would start to work and I'd find myself transformed into sweetness and light. I fear it is too late for the chefs of Just Desserts.
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