Whisky on the Table

I knew my relationship with The Nutritionist was doomed when, during yesterday's consultation on gluten-freedom, she proffered for my inspection The Gluten-Free Diet Table. Now, a well-planned table is a method of data presentation near and dear to my heart. I enjoy the neat columns and crisp lines, the knowledge within offset nicely by the surrounding negative space.  A thoughtfully-chosen heading can convey layers of meaning while the tidy boxes underneath provide the argument's structural support. A good table is a thing of beauty.

This was not a good table. My hackles rose as soon as I saw it. Two headings, 'Foods Allowed' and 'Foods Not Allowed', were too evocative of my stern and scary third-grade teacher for comfort, the connotations of 'no' and 'cannot' sitting uneasily with my view of food as something that should be all about 'yes.' Some of the assumptions ('foods to avoid: frozen french fries - especially those in restaurants') were redundant or even downright insulting to any foodie worth the sobriquet. But worse - far worse - were the inconsistencies and errors with which The Table's rows were riddled and The Nutritionist's regrettable inability to provide remedy for the falsehoods.

I will not detail these here (although the presence of buckwheat in the 'not allowed' column was patently incorrect: buckwheat, as we all know, is a dicot of the family polygonaceae, and therefore a gluten-free fruit related to rhubarb). The item that jumped out at me, that caused my heart to leap into my throat, was the presence of my tipple of choice - whisky - in both columns!

I asked The Nutritionist how this was possible. Discounting troubling religious and philosophical explanations, how could something be permitted and forbidden at the same time? She answered that corn whiskey was fine, but whiskies distilled from other cereals were forbidden. I let the corn reference slide (I am nothing if not a lady), but patiently explained that the only whisky I drink comes from malted barley, generally distilled in a single artisanal establishment, preferably in the Highlands or islands of Scotland. The Nutritionist wasn't getting it. 'I've never met a woman who drank Scotch before,' she opined, before repeating that 1) barley is a grain 2) grain contains gluten 3) QED: whisky contains gluten. I left my appointment broken and bowed, vowing never to consult The Table again.

It just didn't seem right. Fortunately, the Scotch Whisky Association (bless them) were able to provide the antidote to my pain. Turns out, whisky is extremely gluten-free, thanks to the wonders of distillation. Alcohol boils off at the relatively low temperature of 78 deg C, leaving behind the proteins (of which gluten is but one) suspended in their less volatile solution. The SWA does warn that whisky can be contaminated through exposure to unprocessed barley during manufacture or the addition of malt coloring after distillation, but who are we kidding? I think that's a risk worth taking.

Ye're all right, hen.