Top Chef All-Stars, Episode 6: Their Little Boats Went Wibble Wobble

To be sung to the rousing tune of There Was a Bold Fisherman

as performed by Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen

There were twelve cheftestants

who drove out to Montauk.

They travelled in their sponsor's cars

so they wouldn't have to walk.

When they set out from Montauk,

Our angry Dale was heard to squawk,

'I'll give Marcel a sudden push

and overboard'll go he.'

They got on board their fishing boats

at first progress was very slow.

They didn't catch much of anything

and spirits were low.

The silly chef called Angelo

said into water he would never go.

'I'm afraid of sharks' big nasty teeth

and that they'll eat me.'

One team had an expert

that crazy guy named Fabio.

He said, 'Papa's won medals

and of fishing I know.'

When he taught them all they had a ball

but the other teams caught bugger all:

a few bluefish, bass and porgies -

I feared no dinner there would be.

The bloodline in her offering was

the downfall of poor Tiffani

and Jamie served a bland dish

with a sauce watery.

But Carla sailed to victory

with a lettuce wrap, nice and crispy.

She gets to go to Amsterdam

singing 'Tra la la li.'

They filmed this in the summertime,

my TV full of warm salt spray.

I watched it while in wooly socks

with a cup of hot Earl Grey.

Marcel said, 'It's a game we play.'

Will Richard win, or maybe Tre?

Next week they'll open restaurants

and then we'll all see.