Web of Deceit

A number of readers have expressed their surprise that I should have been hoodwinked by Mark Hix, Clarence Court, and the unbaked creme brulee bamboozle. I would like to point out that, although I was fully cognizant of the custards' customary cookery procedure, I thought perhaps I was missing some trickstery shortcut that would make heating up my oven unnecessary. In my daydreams, after successfully producing six perfect desserts without resorting to water baths and hotboxes, I entered the pantheon of Those In The Know and became filled with the self-satisfaction that comes from recognizing truths that other mere mortals do not.

As I discovered to my chagrin, common wisdom was not - in this rare case - an oxymoron.

I blame the internet.

It's let me down a lot these days.

First, there was the small matter of trying to discover the gluten content of various prepared condiments and sauces so I could more effectively engage in the Great Refrigerator Purge. Gluten-free and allergy-related boards and fora are chock full of misleading, contradictory, and downright wacky information. Take one small example, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing. Does it have gluten in it or doesn't it? Whatever you do, don't try to find out online: literally thousands of people have contributed to the debate, none of whom seem to have any real knowledge or understanding of what they are talking about. It's kind of insane - and does nothing for one's equilibrium during an already fraught enterprise. 

Then, there was the trivial-seeming issue of the pectin content in carrots. Easy, right? Three different internet authorities will give you three very different answers, I assure you, for what should (in my opinion at least) be a straightforward item of data.

And let's not forget the soy sauce debacle, which I have documented elsewhere.

I won't even begin to enumerate the other topics about which I have been forced to bang my head against the keyboard: lactose, broccoli, folic acid, magnesium - the list is neverending, a characteristic it shares with the copious amounts of wrongheaded information; well-intentioned (but hopelessly spurious and in some cases possibly dangerous) advice offered by Enthusiasts of All Descriptions; and sinister deceptions perpetrated by the Dread Agents of Agribusiness and Processed Foods and equally fearsome Promoters of Suspicious Supplements and Other Substances, with which the information superhighway is strewn. 

[deep breath] Now I have a whole new line of inquiry, to which the internet is adding nothing but confusion and woe.

Banana jam.

I want to make some and store it in pretty glass containers and eat it for breakfast. I have a dim memory from the distant past of straight-sided jars full of sweet and subtle tropical goodness that I used to slather on scones (this was prior to my gluten freedom-fighting career, of course). More than that I cannot remember. The preserve probably came out of the estimable boo-teek kitchens of Fauchon or Hediard, but further details are maddeningly elusive.

How hard could it be to produce such a conserve on my own stove? As with carrots, I thought I could do a quick trawl to establish general principles and then wing it. Unfortunately, given bananas' low pectin content, the issue is not straightforward. How much sugar is required? Do I need a gelling agent or do I not? What about the peel? These seemed like simple questions. Sadly, the only recipes I could find (quickly, it must be admitted, but I am an exceedingly efficient web researcher) varied wildly in their method and underlying theory.

Why is this?

Because the recipes are all written by bloggers. Bloggers, I tell you!

I never trust them.