The Place: the bridge of the USS Voyager, stranded in the Delta Quadrant.
The Scene: Janeway is in her Captain's chair, sipping coffee and adjusting her chignon. Chakotay is admiring his tattoos and chiseled bone structure in a mirror while Tom Paris is at the helm, as usual. Tuvok is trying to solve hyper-spacial equations using an abacus and B'Elanna is practicing her Klingon martial arts on a long-suffering Harry Kim. Seven of Nine comes rushing in with urgent news.
Seven: Captain, we are picking up unusual readings in astrometrics. That ominously-abandoned communications array we discovered last week is transmitting a new signal.
Janeway: What sort of signal is it, Seven?
Seven: It appears to have originated on ancient Earth.
Janeway: Ancient earth? The past is the future, the future is the past ... temporal mechanics always gives me a headache.
Seven: Captain, it appears to be a recipe for fig jam.
Tuvok: What, pray tell, is a fig?
Tom: They are an old human food - sort of like a cross between a tomato and a giant deep-sea squid.
Tuvok: That does not sound logical.
Tom: Don't you remember? We ate some the last time we were in the holosuite, re-enacting 1001 Arabian Nights!
B'Elanna: That belly-dancing costume was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to wear: there was nowhere to hang my qutluch and the veils kept getting tangled up in my bat'leth. I could hardly disembowel my enemies!
Janeway: I am concerned about this transmission. Seven, do you think it could be a Borg trap?
Seven: Captain, I do not believe the Borg would be interested in old earth recipes.
Chakotay: Perhaps my animal guide could tell us what a fig us. I think I'll return to my quarters for a vision quest. - first I have to prepare my medicine bundle and then I need to spin my akoonah ... It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours. Don't do anything important while I'm gone. Akoocheemoya, everybody! (he leaves the bridge).
Seven: Captain, the recipe comes from a primitive human who called herself Fractured Amy. She posted it on something called a blog on April 7, 2011. But through some sort of space-time anomaly, the date time-stamped on the transmission is April 9 - two days later
Janeway: Can you route the transmission to the bridge? B'Elanna, release Harry from that death grip so he can put it on speaker.
B'Elanna: Aye, Captain.
[sounds of static and interference while Harry attempts to clean up the garble]
Harry: Coming through now, Captain.
[a voice off gradually becomes clearer]
... That's right, Campers! Even though I am here in Massachusetts, and not in sunny Pennsylvania as per usual, and even though it is Saturday and not Thursday, I can still post, thanks to modern technology and Blogger's 'schedule at' option!
I wrote previously how, having liberated some dried figs from Sir's secret store, I was able to produce a delicious Fig and Lemon Chutney - which I just happen to be sharing with other cheese-making students now! Or rather, now in your time - it's in the future at the time of my writing this!
[Janeway moans quietly and rubs her temples. The transmission continues.]
After I made my chutney, I still had some dried figs left over. As I pondered what to do with the surplus, I was reminded of a jar of Italian fig preserves in the pantry, purchased at the outrageous cost of $7 at our local oil and vinegar taproom some while back. The preserves are insanely delicious (at that price, I would be shocked if they were not), and that got me to thinking.
Fig jam!
I dug around for a recipe and found one in my Ball preserving book. Now, given that you have all been following the saga of my weekend pectin-producing project, the irony of the recipe's secret ingredient will not be lost. Hint: look carefully at the box behind the lemon.
Harry: Captain, I have a visual.
Janeway: Onscreen!
Tuvok: Those do not look like tomatoes or giant squids to me.
Tom: I know more about squids than you do - my ancestor was Rear Admiral 'Tentacles' Paris!
Janeway: Why Tom, I had no idea you were such an old salt!
Tom: Yes, he fought bravely against giant squids during the Battle of Lake Ontario.
[Nelix and Kes emerge from a turbolift]
Neelix: Captain, I have been doing some research on the earth delicacy known as figs. It seems they are a kind of fruit called an inflorescence, where the reproductive flowers of a plant are contained within a modified stem. Something similar, I believe, grows on the southern continent of the planet Zxxyygh, the inhabitants of which have more tastebuds per square inch than any other species in the sector! Since they cannot eat food that we would find flavorful, they once traded me an entire shipment of these 'figs' for four tubs of axle grease. When I pointed out that they could avoid the whole problem by using the figs as axle grease, they were so overcome with gratitude that they started worshipping me as a god! Speaking of gods, did you know that ancient humans viewed the fig as a symbol of womanhood and sensuality? Why, Tuvok, what's the matter?
Tuvok [eyes bulging]: Aargh!!
Harry: Neelix, your talk of figs has initiated Pon Farr!
Janeway: Alert sick bay!
[The Doctor materializes at Tuvok's station]: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
[Tuvok lunges at the Doctor]: Aargh!
The Doctor: Mr. Tuvok, please! I'm a doctor, not a doxy. Call security!
[Tuvok is dragged kicking and screaming from the bridge].
B'Elanna: Captain, may I return to my MoQ'bara? My blood-letting skills diminish if I just stand around doing nothing.
Seven: Captain, the transmission has been interrupted. It is possible the communications array is being consumed by a spacial vortex!
Tom: It's a black hole!
Janeway: Red alert! [various klaxons start going off]
[Sounds of B'Ellana throttling Harry. Noises off as Tuvok is wrestled to sick bay. Seven's implants go haywire and she starts assimilating Kes]
Kes: Aaaak!
Seven: Resistance is futile!
[more sounds of struggle, chairs being knocked over, and general mayem]
Harry: Captain, she's strangling me!
[Chakotay re-enters]: Well, that was a total waste of time! What did I miss?
Janeway: Neelix, I think I need another cup of coffee.
Next up: during Voyager's navigation through the black hole, a rift opens up in the space-time continuum, causing a jar of fig jam to appear within a containment field in stellar cartography. Neelix is able to reproduce the recipe in the galley and the entire crew enjoys it for breakfast.
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