Last week I despaired that, due to uninformed celebrity guests and a paucity of language on the judges' part, we were doomed to a season of Top Chef where drama outweighed cooking and fans were left in the dark as to what was sitting on the plates when all the culinary contending was concluded.
I am pleased to say that the TV gods (or maybe it was the producers at Bravo - same thing, really) heard my lament and last night outdid themselves quickfire-wise with delicious erudition, lots of tasty informational tidbits, and handy hints for cooks at home.
Let's get started, shall we?
Our courageous cheftestants skipped into the kitchen and were greeted by What's-His-Name and a prep table covered with a veritable explosion of rainforest abundance: leaves, flowers, roots, and a variety of other greenery clearly intended for culinary use (we had to guess what many of them were from context, but visible to my untrained eye were aloe leaves, salsify, sparklers, coriander, lemongrass, and amaranth). But wait, whatever could be concealed behind that sinister-looking screen? Jars and tanks of live creepy-crawlies, that's what, unveiled with a half-hearted flourish and a feeble cackle by our forgettable host. The chefs appeared nonplussed as he tried to sell them on the various creatures' nutritional virtues: hornworms (full of protein!); Darkling beetles (also full of protein!); Canadian night crawlers (rich in calcium!); crickets (loaded with iron!); and scorpions (vitamin-laden!). As if these benefits were insufficient, the Australian One had one final perk up the sleeve of his cardie: all the drogos were organic!
Now, I'm not sure it was that big a deal. Although I have never gone to a restaurant and intentionally eaten a bug, I have been known on occasion to make like a monkey and dig termites out of their mounds with a stick. They taste like mint and are not at all objectionable, although in my opinion they are not sufficiently filling to be considered a complete meal. At any rate, I think most foodies these days have come across shock chocs with cayenne and crickets; crispy barbecue-flavoured larvae in foil bags; and ant-containing lollipops - not to mention that much of the rest of the world consumes insects and other similar delicacies as a matter of course. Have we learned nothing from No Reservations and the Discovery Channel?
Before they got down to cook, however, all the contestants dutifully pretended to be horrified and there was much wrinkling of noses and THing about how 'I've eaten eyeballs and ear wax and toenails but bugs is where I draw the line'. Right.
Although there was quite a bit of food footage of crickets frying and beetles in blenders, one matter that was not touched upon was how the actual butchering was accomplished. Somebody appeared to euthanize their night crawlers by chopping them into little wiggly pieces and Mary Sue talked about 'dry-toasting' her beetles, although it was unclear whether or not the creatures were still alive for their adventure in the skillet. I for one would have been most intrigued to hear how one prepares a scorpion for cooking. If, as Glen Beck claims, we'll all soon be eating whatever we can scrounge in our basements as we crouch fearfully in the face of world-wide apocalypse, it would be nice to know the correct and most humane method for silverfish slaughter. Those MREs won't last forever, you know.
Suvir niftily skirted the abattoir issue by serving his hornworms alive and angry in a jar garnished with a blowtorch, thus allowing the diners the satisfaction of preparing their protein to their own taste (don't you hate it when you ask for your annelids rare and they arrive well done?). He claimed that, as a devout Hindu, his 'hand could cook but not kill.' Now, I am no theological expert and am even more woefully ignorant of the Dharmaśāstras than I am of kashrut - but this sounded to me like having your proverbial goat biryani and eating it, too. My hero seemed pretty pleased with himself for so neatly ducking out of his chefly duties and I awarded him ten full points for cheekiness.
The Quickfire guest judges were Ruth England and Mykel Hawke, of the adventure series Man, Woman, Wild. Never seen it - but I was impressed by their obvious knowledge of and enthusiasm for the entomological fare placed before them. Also, 'She' and 'He' seemed to know a lot of words, including adjectives, which enabled the viewer (well, me, anyway) to understand what the chefs were serving up. They had a nice little double act going: She was all posh-English with taste and refinement, He was all down-home Kentucky bluegrass-boy with little patience for ceremony aor cutlery.
It was not clear whether What's-His-Name was tasting the protein component of the dishes or not: his comments seemed limited to the leafy and tuberous items on the plates.
Naomi: tempura-fried night crawlers with elderflower and herb salad and pistachio vinaigrette. She disliked the dish's bitter aftertaste but He announced they were the best worms he'd ever eaten (I would imagine that after twelve years in the Special Forces, He's eaten quite a few and knows of what He speaks).
Suvir: 'Himalayan jungle and market salad' with the above-mentioned jar of live hornworms and a blowtorch. Without the benefit of explanation for the raw protein, She declared the dish a 'cop-out.' He gamely offered to perform the table-side flambé, pulling the poor creatures into two and letting them drain a bit before setting them alight and giving them the 'old stab and jab'. Suvir complacently opined that the tasters had earned his respect for having indulged his cultural idiosyncrasies - but further details on the dish's success were not forthcoming.
John: grilled scorpions with smoked poached eggs and oyster. She didn't have much to say about this one, but He thought the dish 'worked really well' when all mixed together. What's-His-Name was limited to commenting on the smokiness of the egg - which he could have done without tasting the dish at all (it's possible, I suppose, that such was the case). Scorpions, of course, are not insects but arachnids, as we all know.
Unibrow: tempura crickets with sunchoke and carrot puree and a blood orange vinaigrette. This looked awesome to me and the judges loved it. She: 'The puree is really delicate, more of a mousse really.' He: 'It tastes great!' They agreed that inadequate cricket cookery is an all too common problem in this crazy old world, but that these specimens had been sufficiently well done.
Alex: angel hair pasta with beetles and flowers. He: 'This tastes dang good!' She: 'I like the crispiness of the beetle contrasted with the softness of the angel hair.' The dish's creator was clearly surprised and gratified to hear such knowledgeable criticism after last week's travesty.
Mary Sue: Thai sunchoke salad with toasted beetle vinaigrette. She: 'We're big coriander fans, and this is chock full of it!' He: 'Tasty.'
Traci: Carrot and coriander salad with chipotle-dusted fried scorpions and aloe vinaigrette. She: 'The aloe makes it a little bitter.' He: 'This little critter is all swolled up! I don't like it when they do that.' Home cooks take note.
Celina: Soy crickets with salsify salad. Another dish that looked very appealing. She: 'They look exquisite with the hair still on their legs.' He disagreed, pointing out that when crickets are prepared with due attention to detail, the legs are removed since they tend to 'be scratchy going down the throat.' See what I mean? Riches for the foodie survivalist!
Floyd: Omelette of night crawlers, amaranth, shiitakes and bacon. He 'was digging' the addition of worms to an otherwise standard and very delicious dish.
George: Hornworms and coconut soup with lime, lemongrass, ginger, and arugula. He: 'That's awful-tasting!' Apparently, hornworm-skin is 'plasticky', necessitating that the creatures be chopped small for textural delightfulness.
On the bottom? Suvir for his wriggling hornworms, although the judges offered him a ridiculous namaste head-bow prayer-hands pass when they heard his sob story. George had no such excuse to offer and was deemed the Quickfire loser. I predict he will not be around much longer.
The winner was the Unibrow for his tasty and nicely-cooked cricket-sunchoke combo. Having already been auf'd from the show, he felt it necessary to make some sort of Easter-related comment on the Resurrection, which the judges ignored - granting him immunity, nonetheless.
Oh, there was an elimination challenge, too: something about a 10-course dinner, and Naomi acting like a Miss Bossy Pants, and John being sent home for risotto that was 'safe and boring.' (What is it about Top Chefs and risotto? It's always, always, a disaster and yet they can't seem to stop themselves.)
Anyway, it all passed by me because I was busy fantasizing about how I will prepare for the Armageddon that is surely to come. I already have sufficient condiments stashed away to outlast any emergency, and soon there will be cheese to boot. We may not have scorpions living in our basement, but in the summertime we have copious supplies of crickets. A little application of heat from our butane burner and I think we'll be able to outlast any calamity that comes our way.
Dinner, anyone?
No comments:
Post a Comment