Moleskine and I were under no illusions as we settled down to watch the latest episode of Just Desserts. Last week, most of the pastry cheftestants heedlessly - nay, recklessly - ignored the rich possibilities afforded by gluten-free sweets and created the sorts of tortes and sables I have recently come to regard with deep suspicion and regret. So I suppose it was inevitable that, as gluten-rich batters were stirred, baked and unmolded, my mind would wander and I would find myself contemplating (of all things) motherhood.
This is not such a strange thing in and of itself. Motherhood, for better or worse, has been a recurring theme in art and culture for forever: consider Michelangelo's Pieta, every German folk-tale ever told to scare the crap out of young children, and the Alien movies (especially the second and third ones). It should therefore have been of surprise to no one that Bravo's producers would jump on the bandwagon and choose this deeply complicated and emotional concept as a conceit upon which to build their latest gluten-fest.
Nonetheless, it was pretty bizarre. There was Tim, the self-confessed 'mama' of the house, pouring coffee and making breakfast for everybody (I know the feeling, Tim!). We learned that Zac's issues with his vegan mom led him to pursue a confectionery career - and a more salutary lesson for would-be vegan care-givers I cannot imagine. Elizabeth Falkner, who would probably be the coolest mom ever, went all nurturing and maternal when called upon to console Seth during one of his many outbursts (see my Pieta reference, above). As for Seth - well, the relationship he has with his mother will no doubt be grist for innumerable therapy sessions in the decades to come. I hope the other pastry-cheftestants are getting danger money, that's all I'm saying.
On to the competition! The quickfire penny-candy inspiration challenge was kind of funny, in a sickly-sweet sort of way, and I would have thought it ripe for gluten-free creativity. Alas, no. Only Tim, my hero, amassed g/f points for his basil pudding with citrus granita, crowned priapically with an orange lollipop. Zac lost points by asserting that cake-baking (with or without 'cray-moo', one supposes) is the only way that true confectionery skill can be demonstrated to the foolish and shallow judges. Zac is my new villain.
Gluten-veneration continued unabated through the elimination challenge, with more cake (ginger, blueberry, pineapple, cola-spiced and mojito-flavored) than a g/f dessert-lover could comfortably imagine. The episode was not a total loss, thankfully, since several illuminating facts were offered up for our delectation: blue in the pastry world is usually a faux pas; desserts in bowls are Bad Things; pastry chefs feel lost and alone without their recipes; and if you are in the bottom three, you are not the only one (this last concept was elucidated by Seth, who demonstrated that when he is aufed from JD, he can always fall back on a career as a middle-school math teacher).
The Pompadour made his usual vague pronouncements about desserts 'not coming together' and being 'not what he was hoping for', thus earning him a place at the top of Moleskine's list of unsuccessful constructive criticism providers. Sir, who came rather late to the party, made the invaluable observation that each of the Pompadour's sideburns resembled a relief map of Italy, although the boot on the right side of his head was kicking eastwards towards Albania rather than westwards towards Sicily, as is geographically customary.
So it was good-bye to dear Tim, who made a curdled and soupy (albeit gluten-free) pudding, and congratulations to Erika, whose Margarita bombe won props from the judges for its clear tequila sauce and beautiful layers (easily discerned because she miscounted and had to serve her dessert in halves). It did look lovely - except, of course, for its pastry base.
Next week: A bake sale challenge! Will the heartbreak never end?
Erratum: many thanks to the sharp-eyed reader who pointed out that Tim's lollipop was planted in an orange and pistachio parfait, and not a basil pudding as previously reported. The pudding was his elimination dessert, and thus lollipop-free. Fractured Amy apologizes for this egregious error and assures the public she is putting systems in place to ensure such an incident is not repeated.
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