Top Chef Masters Finale: Pity Party

Right now, I am supposed to be sitting in state in the grand dining room of Philadelphia's Ritz Carlton Hotel (the marble dome is 'majestic', according to 10 Arts' website), enjoying Spanish rock octopus with grilled romaine and parmesan black pepper vinaigrette; brook trout with bok choy and hazelnut brown butter; and chocolate rice pudding with cocoa nibs, butterscotch, and sour cream sauce.

Oh, well. The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley, as the poet said, so instead of sipping on Campari whilst considering an amouse bouche I am coughing and sputtering, my eyes a-water and my throat a-swollen.

I'm sick!

At least I got to watch Top Chef Masters in a timely fashion, although that is small consolation as I languish in my tuile-upholstered armchair surrounded by used tissues and bottles of cough medicine. Perhaps it's my mood (sour, depressed, and self-pitying) but I watched with a certain amount of detachment and disinterest, not really caring all that much about the outcome.

I don't feel well!

The challenge set by What's-His-Name for Floyd, Traci, and Mary Sue? To cook the best three-course meals of their lives (what else were they supposed to do? pave driveways? tame wild horses? run for office?) based on key culinary moments in their pasts and those of their judges [yawn]. I'd already thought the food memory thing to death after Episode 15 of Top Chef All-Stars, so I was unmoved - and did we really need to hear about Gael's love life again?

*cough cough*

The ending was in some doubt thanks to the disinformation and foreshadowing seeded by Bravo's desperate editors in an attempt to whip up some suspense. Would Floyd be able to recover from time wasted in Los Angeles' famously bad traffic? Would he be brought down by his poorly-butchered fish? Did ever a cheftestant utter more potentially-damning words than, 'You have to have a discerning palate to get my dish'? (Floyd again). And what about his attempting to braise his oxtails in two sessions - with a break in the fridge overnight? 'Yes,' he TH'd, 'It's a very dangerous thing to do.'

Sir says I sound 'positively awful'!

Now that I come to think about it, the only doom hinted at by the producers was Floyd-related, so naturally he was declared the winner. Traci cooked a 'very technical and very correct' meal and Mary Sue's lemon souffle was the single best course of the evening, but neither could beat the cumulative success of Floyd's upma with braised mushrooms or rendang with beef two ways. Both these dishes looked positively delicious, particularly the upma, which I shall be attempting in my own kitchen as soon as I am able to face food again.

Did I mention? I'm miserable and my nose is running!

So Top Chef Masters comes to a close and for the first time since the middle of September there will be no foodie fisticuffs on my DVR when I wake up an hour early on Thursdays. Yes, I know - Rocco's Dinner Party will be taking over the time slot, but the Botoxed One will have to get on without me.

I don't have the strength.