Top Chef All-Stars, Episode 3: Where Shall We Lunch?

In this week's exciting episode, our gallant culinary competitors were taken to four of New York's 'finest restaurants' and told to get themselves inspired, already, and come up with a dish each establishment would be proud to serve on its menu. There was the usual 'Oh, I'm so far outside my comfort zone, I think my head will explode' (Carla and Fabio) and 'I've got this challenge totally nailed, just watch me win it all' (Marcel and Stephen), with the only surprises being ... well, there weren't any surprises, really. We know these guys too well. 

This gave me Moleskine and me adequate time to play our favorite game, 'Where would we eat?' As luck would have it, I have never visited any of these dining establishments and am currently seeking out some new places to try in the Big Bad City. Four possibilities, tailor-made!

I decided to do a little research and pick my next likely candidate. I looked only at lunch menus because 1) lunch is often far less expensive than dinner and the food is generally equivalent 2) it gives one time to digest after eating so one doesn't gain any weight (that's my theory and I'm sticking by it) 3) if I time it right, I can be back on the NJ side of the Lincoln Tunnel before rush hour. Clever, eh? I stun myself, sometimes.

Points are awarded to a maximum of 5. The contenders are:

Marea, Michael White's coastal Italian joint just SE of Columbus Circle.

• Location: within easy walking distance of Port Authority and convenient for a detour to Petrossian on the way. 5 pts.
• Price: two courses (primi and secondi) for $42, dessert is extra and runs to $12 or so. On the one hand, I think that's mean since I always eat dessert. On the other hand, $55 is not outrageous for a 3-course big-city lunch by a good chef. 2 pts.
• Gluten-free possibilities: an entire section of the Secondi is given over to pasta, effectively halving a gluten-free commando's choices, although two of these dishes are offered as risotto - including one with white truffles for an $85 (!) supplement. 1 pt.
• General appeal: despite the concentration on pasta, there's an awful lot of deliciousness going on. To start I will have spot prawns with lemon and black lava salt; mackerel with butternut caponata and pinenuts; or tuna with oyster cream and crispy sunchokes. Main course will be scallops with chestnut ragu; branzino with lentils, hazelnuts, and puntarella (had to look that up - it's a kind of chicory); or turbot with tomato conserves, prosciutto brodo, hen of the woods mushrooms, and pickled crosnes (looked these up, too - they are little squiggly tubers in the mint family). Dessert: rosemary panna cotta with roasted figs and pignoli croquant. 3 pts plus 1 extra for introducing me, in a stroke, to two new ingredients.

Ma Peche, David Chang's French-Vietnamese boite. Chang is supposed to be the greatest thing since a sliced baguette these days and can apparently do no wrong. Let's see, shall we?

• Location: 56th St., just west of 5th Ave. A mere hop-skip-and-a-jump from Port Authority, with easy access to Saks and Kinokuniya. 5 pts.
• Price: it's a mystery. None is listed on the website, although a prix fixe lunch  menu is thoughtfully provided. 0 pts.
• Gluten-free possibilities: apart from a few strange anomalies (spaetlze, bread with the cheese plate, gnocchi), the entire menu appears to be sans cereal. 4 pts.
• General appeal: it's a maddening menu that makes it difficult to tell what one will be eating and how the prix fixe actually works in practice. Still, various things sound quite tasty to me: pork and oxtail terrine with pickled turnips and violet mustard; beef tartare with soy (I've decided shoyu is gluten-free, you may remember), scallion, and mint: crispy pig's head with lentils, pickled apple and mustard; carrots with bone marrow, chili and lime. 3 pts for general  curiosity, minus 1 pt. because there's no dessert listed, and I'm not driving all the way to Manhattan without knowing the sweet situation.

The Townhouse, David Burke's 'loony Dr. Seuss fashion show' (according to NY Magazine, anyway), not to be confused with the gentlemen's club of the same name. I am already concerned by the presence of live goldfish in Burke's cocktail glasses - surely the animal cruelty people will get wind of this and close the place down. In the mean time:

• Location: 61st between Park and 3rd. I am never on the East Side, unless I am going to a museum and then I don't have time for lunch. A pain to get to. 1 pt.
• Price: there's a choice of two ways to do a three-course prix fixe ($24.07 and $37.00). Not sure how it works, but it sounds like quite a bargain. 4 pts.
• Gluten-free possibilities: there are hardly any appetizer possibilities (it's all dumplings, ravioli, pretzel-crusted crabcakes, and blinis) and too many burgers and sandwiches amongst the mains, which is a pity because the dishes look inventive and cool. 1 pt.
• General appeal: live goldfish aside (and something silly for dessert called a Cheesecake Lollipop Tree - it's ridiculous, but in keeping with the Dr. Seuss theme, I suppose) - there are lots of intriguing items: I would love to try lobster-tomato bisque with lobster dumplings and curried pineapple; braised beef shortrib with mustard spaetzle and horseradish creme fraiche; or cavatelli with wild mushrooms - but they are, of course, verboten. I would be stuck with a chef's salad (ho  hum) or grilled chicken breast with brussels sprouts and BBQ jus (the diet plate, presumably). There are only two likely desserts: butterscotch pannacotta with curried gelee and meringue (wow!) or mixed fruit and berries sorbet (the diet plate, again). Heartbreaking. 1 pt.

WD-50, Wylie Dufresne's palace of molecular gastronomy - a place I have been longing to try for ages and ages.

• Location: Clinton St. on the Lower East Side. I could brave the Holland Tunnel, I suppose. 2 pts.
• Price: not applicable, as WD-50 does not do lunch. That is the only reason I have never been there, actually. 0 pts.
• Gluten-free possibilities: who can tell? Shrimp spaghetti may include durum wheat pasta - or it may be constructed from something totally unrelated, like jellied celery fibers or the follicles of some rare seaweed. The venison chop with freeze-dried polenta is probably safe, as is cuttlefish with cashews, rootbeer and watercress. I would dearly love to try the grapefruit curd with campari, hibiscus and sorrel, but the lemongrass mousse is accompanied by whole-wheat sorbet. Detailed negotiations with the staff would be required, something I generally like to avoid, preferring always to throw myself on the mercy of the kitchen. Having said that, if anybody knows how to use xanthan gum, it's bound to be Wylie. 3 pts.
• General appeal: who can resist aerated foie, cubed mayonnaise, buttermilk ricotta, crispy cream cheese or smoked salmon threads? No foodie in their right mind, that's who. I would put up with the Holland Tunnel, and dinner-time, and having to quiz servers at length about gluten just to try this place. One day, one day. 5 pts.

So, who wins? Let's tally up the points. In last place, thanks to its reliance on burgers and bread with everything - The Townhouse. Too bad, really, since it looks kind of funny. Next comes WD-50 - a place I am desperate to try, but docked a fatal number of points for not offering lunch. Still ahead of The Townhouse, though, make of that what you will. Squeaking into second place with 11 points is Ma Peche - and that's mostly because of the crazy website with the stupid menu: the food itself looks gluten-free and awesome.

And the winner is ... Marea with a whopping 12 points. As soon as I've built up a couple of more vacation days, I shall be booking my table.

The white truffles, however, will have to wait.