All is Not Lost

Having calmed down a bit after yesterday's lack-of-lactose conniption fit, I made myself a calming cup of Earl Grey and added a splash of almond milk. It isn't too terrible a combination, actually: the mild almond flavor complements the bergamot in a not displeasing way. Thus fortified, I decided to do a little research to see if I could find any loopholes in the quacks' latest pronouncement regarding the extirpation of dairy products from my already rather restricted diet.

Suspicious of internet resources as I am these days, I decided to bypass the computer and go straight to the oracle - Harold McGee and his encyclopedic red-covered reference, On Food and Cooking. And boy-oh-boy, am I glad I did! It took only a few minutes' concentrated reading to discover that I can totally get around the medicos' latest craziness without compromising the letter of their law or my own longevity.

I decided to go back to first principles to find out what lactose actually is. I have been so preoccupied by gluten protein chains these days I have given hardly any thought to other edible molecules - an oversight I sought to rectify at once. Turns out, lactose is a disaccharide (composed of the two simple sugars glucose and galactose) that accounts for about 5% of cow's milk, by weight. Our favorite milk these days, which comes to us raw courtesy of a local Jersey herd, is about 4.9% lactose. If I could get my hands on some reindeer milk or fin whale milk, I'd be laughing at only 2.8% or 1.3%, respectively. (Note to self: must lobby Wegmans' influential buyers ASAP for these necessary additions to the dairy case). But it's all academic, really, since drinking milk straight makes me gag and that is something I choose to do as rarely as possible. A splash of moo in coffee or tea is about as close as I get to the unadulterated article and I suppose that's why the good lord invented soy and almond substitutes.

But as I have repeated, vociferously, to anyone within earshot, there are other dairy-derived products without which my life will be diminished to pointlessness. Brie! Milkshakes! Organic super-yogurt! Butter! Anything with cream in it! These are all things that make a gluten-free existence worth tolerating.

I delved further into McGee's herniating tome and hit upon my first piece of really exceptional news on page 44. There is hardly any lactose in live cultured yogurt! This is because the sugars have already been handily digested by wee microbes who break them down into lactic acid, hooray. As long as one eats natural yogurt (that is, yogurt that has not been re-injected with milk-stuff to make it thick and creamy) lactose is not a problem. Hooray again - I can still eat breakfast in the morning. Do I see yogurt-making in my future now? I may have just discovered a whole new line of enquiry - additional note to self.

I soon found another fact to cheer me: cheese (especially the sorts of cheeses we have in our fridge and that I will soon learn to make during my fact-finding tour of sunny Shelburne Falls, MA) also has so little lactose as to make no difference. This is because most of the lactose is to be found in the whey, which is drained off during manufacturing - and because more industrious wee microbes feast on the remaining sugars as the cheese sits percolating over the months and years. Third hooray of the day. My aged cheddar and triple-cremes are safe for consumption after all. Fresh cheeses such as mozzarella and ricotta are more problematic, but since I've already established my willingness to be a good girl in other respects, I think we can let that slide.

Butter. See cheese, above. Most of the lactose disappears during production. Cream. See butter. In fact, somewhat counterintuitively in my opinion, the higher the fat content of a milk product (full fat milk vs. 2% milk, for example), the lower the lactose level. Was there ever more felicitous dietary news in the annals of culinary history?

This is just about the happiest outcome I could have expected and renews the sparkle on my alimentary future.

And the praline milk jam I tended patiently for the better part of seven hours on Saturday, too. 

Coming soon: I discover that my home-made preserves are suitable for travel into outer space.