Just Desserts, Preview: Shoe Pastry

Two days ago Toad wrote to me with breathless excitement, eager to share an important piece of news: on August 24 Just Desserts will return to its appointed place on Bravo's Wednesday night schedule!

Impatient for my introduction to Season Two's crazy new pastry cheftestants, I visited The Official Website to see what sorts of personalities will be greeting me from my trusty DVR bright and early every Thursday morning.

Who have we got, I wonder?

The judges are all familiar faces: there's The Shoes, of course; She Who Isn't Gail; and Hubert Keller, my favoritest crinkly-eyed Frenchman of all time. But who's that rather overweight gentleman in the smart suit and hedge-fund manager haircut? Why, it's none other than Johnny 'I'm Such a Bad Boy' Iuzzini, formerly known as The Pompadour, now immaculately styled and gelled and completely re-imagined. Why, with his long sleeves his tattoos are barely discernible! He also appears to have stopped wearing that absurd key chain on his belt. I wonder if he has developed a personality to accompany his new look? Time will tell, I guess!

Let's see if we can spot among the fourteen pastry pugilists who will implode in a glorious paroxysm of confectionery sugar and who will win the coveted golden cream puff.

Ladies first!

• Rebecca: known currently in Houston as The Sugar Hooker (huh?), she supposedly did time at the Bristol and Daniel. She might have some skills, but her decision to be photographed in a pair of shoes better suited to a French circus artiste circa 1685 compels me to question her judgement.
• Sally: won the 'Best Sportsmanship' medal at the National Pastry Team Championships in 2007 - an honor that sounds suspiciously like a booby prize to me. She is a big fan of pandan leaves and sports in her publicity still a pair of blue sandals that would look not inappropriate on a drag queen. In 1972.
• Melissa: born in Haiti, she is currently the pastry chef at ilili, a restaurant so cutting-edge its name doesn't start with a capital letter. Her Juno-esque form appears to be teetering on a pair of white open-toed nine-inch heels, which at least have the advantage of not showing the stains when a bowl of vanilla buttercream is dropped on them from a great height.
• Megan: her blurb describes her as 'fun and creative', which probably means the producers couldn't think of anything interesting to say about her. Her pink satin pumps were the only shoes of which I actually approved.
• Lina: inspired by Thomas Keller (is there a chef in this country who isn't?), her footwear appeared to be fabricated entirely from silver sequins, although her feet were a bit difficult to see, concealed as they were by a pair of truly outrageous flares.
• Katzie: if she were a food, she'd be 'a bottomless bowl of mussels.' Oh, Sigmund - I'm speechless. Her black flats marked her out as the rebel of the group.
• Amanda: the site details her biography in exhausting detail, including the underwhelming tidbit that she once 'travelled abroad for a few months.' Did she also walk the dog and get her nails done? She chose to strut her stuff in a pair of black leather bondage sandals that boggled the mind and caused the eyes to bleed in their sockets.

Now the gents!

• Vanarin: the Houston-residing son of Cambodian refugees, his favorite fall dessert is 'gerber macaroons'. Does he really make almond petit fours from baby food? His canvas sneakers provided a welcome respite from the girls' eye-popping style choices.
• Orlando: enjoys the 'mind-altering' powers of chocolate and claims to be a devotee of entrements. Since Wikipedia defines entrements as 'desserts', I am left marvelling at the repetitious self-evidence of his statement. His tasteful black dress shoes served as a salutory counterpoint to his unnecessary pomposity.
• Nelson: an Argentinian (ole!) now working in Boston. He loves passion fruit and ridiculous plaid canvas slip-ons.
• Matthew: pastry chef at the Mandarin Oriental in DC, he's another one of Daniel Boulud's protegees (honestly, they're taking over the world, these guys). He appears to be the token straight, although his leather mules might lead one to wonder.
• Craig: expresses himself through cake decorating, which is less harmful than graffiti or blogging, I suppose. His glowing plaid shorts rendered his shoes all but invisible.
• Chris: another straight guy! He is the founder and owner of a pastry school in Vegas because, like Mother Theresa, he has 'a passion for helping people.' His black Converse All-Stars mark him as a Man Who Means Business or Desperate Fashion Dweeb, take your pick.
• Carlos: he may be the father of six, but these days that's no guarantee of respectability. His deck shoes lead one to believe he might moonlight as the pastry chef aboard the S.S. Minnow.

My money is on Carlos and Vanarin for an early departure, mostly because their shoes are so boring. Matthew's mules are a testament to confidence that may or may not be warranted, in a fashion (if not culinary) sense. Sally's sandals belie the adage that the color blue is verboten in the pastry world and I have trouble believing that stripper heels are ever practical in the kitchen, even one totally outfitted in GE Monogram appliances.

Katzie's the one to watch, I think.

I'll go for black flats every time.