Just Desserts, Episode 1: Ogres, Witches, and Wolves, Oh My!

I woke up an hour early this morning - lately it's been staying noticeably darker into the early morning hours, I've observed - to skip downstairs and share some quality time with my DVR and Bravo's latest batch of baking bandits.

That's right, Campers, it's the second season of Just Desserts!

Since we already know our sweet strivers from the thoughtfully-provided bios on the show's website, let's get straight to it, shall we?

We open with The Shoes and The Pompadour sashaying into an olde ice cream shoppe to set our competitors their first challenge - to create a modern soda fountain treat that provides a twist on 'classic American nostalgia.' The first item of note is that The Pompadour's ridiculous keychain is back. The second is that a good deal of time is spent rubbishing last season's pastry cheftestants, with the damning declaration that this time round each dessert will be assessed 'on how it looks as well as how it tastes.' I can only suppose this is a not-so-subtle dig at dear Zac and his outrageous alimentary accoutrements. Does this mean we will not be treated to the sugary spectacles of fairy dust and blue food coloring this season? I for one will be extremely disappointed if this is the case.

But at least I can console myself with the fact that the chilly Quickfire has limitless gluten-free possibilities! I ponder the myriad things you can do with ice cream as the gladiators 'run around like idiots' - especially the ones choosing to wear those paper soda-jerk hats so beloved of old Jimmy Stewart movies. There's the usual frenzied food flurry and not-so-usual (for this show, anyway) macho posturing (yes, Orlando, I'm looking at you) and in no time at all the results are presented for the judges' inspection.

Of course, there's gluten in just about every single offering. Wafers, malted milk powder, sponge cake, micro-cake (huh?), and Captain Crunch (really?) all make an appearance, thus spoiling my enjoyment no end. My interest is piqued briefly by something called banana carpaccio, but further details are not forthcoming. I choose to believe that this delicacy is something more than cold, raw, sliced bananas but don't really hold out much hope. Our saccharine scrappers can't really help themselves, can they?

On to the elimination challenge! The pastry pugilists must work in teams to produce showpieces and associated plated desserts inspired by four fairy tales. Nelson, the Argentinian quick-fire winner, is immediately thrown into a tizzy. 'I don't eefun know khoo dees Goldeelux eez,' he sadly THs, but apparently fails to challenge the producers over the culturally-biased premise underpinning the task ahead.

Very little about the food is discussed, but we do learn a bit more about the personalities gracing our LCD displays.

• Craig, known to us previously only as a cake-decorating self-expressionist, now reveals himself to be a big Harry Potter fan and even bigger sad sack. His team, desperately hunting for a responsibility to which he can prove himself equal, relegates him to the task of cutting the cake.
• Megan (described as 'fun and creative' in her Bravo blurb) proves her mettle by winking - winking! - at The Pompadour as she presents her dessert. I immediately award her five out of five for cheekiness.
• Orlando is a pompous ass who clearly feels it's his duty to be the villain straight from central casting. He alienates me utterly and without possibility of parole when he declares rice pudding - one of my all-time favorite things - as being for 'old people'.
• Rebecca is a whiny infant (at least, in Orlando's estimation) who unaccountably objects to the substitution of steel cut oats for the rice in her pudding recipe.
• Chris implies he's inevitably Slated for the Big Win, but is otherwise unobjectionable.
• Vanarin seems to have a crush on both The Shoes and The Pompadour, making the astonishing statement that 'Johnny's eyes stare deep into your soul.' This guy needs serious watching: I fear he may be the first to have an emotional implosion, since he is clearly several profiteroles short of a croquembouche .
• The bottomless Katzie turns out to be really boring. What a  pity - I had such high hopes for her!
• Lina, who boasts that she's world-recognized as the producer of 'the best cupcakes in Austin', seems to think that gingerbread is not cake. There follows a very confusing discussion (confusing to me, anyway) where she and Melissa talk at cross purposes about the possible components of the house belonging to Hansel and Gretel's wicked witch.
• Melissa, who I predict will be this season's Spike clone, decides she hates Lina within five minutes of having the above discussion. She also has an unedifying hissy fit at judge's table, perpetrating the first Throwing Under a Bus.
• Sally (she of the 'Best Sportsmanship' Award), Matthew (leather mules), and Carlos (father of six) make absolutely no impression whatsoever.

I did, however, learn a few relevant foodie facts amidst all the confectionary commotion:

• Our judges have a dread fear of NFGs (non-functional garnishes).
• It's very important, when engineering an edible showpiece, to balance the structure so the weight is on top, a feat the Little Red Riding Hood team (Chris, Carlos, Amanda, and Matthew) managed with aplomb.
• Being the Lone Star State's cupcake queen is no guarantee that one will make it through the first round, especially when one is unceremoniously thrown under the bus.
• Hubert Keller is so completely wonderful that he is able to carry off even the most ridiculous Sgt. Pepper costume with the grace and style of Prince Charming himself.
• I experience a sudden craving for rice pudding.

Next up: I have no idea - my DVR tragically failed to record any details of the season's second thrilling episode. I have Had Words with the device and trust the situation will be resolved in a timely fashion.